Tired

5th of March, 2017

I am tired of sleeping broken.

The broken inhibits my mind as the lights go out, then it hits hard when they turn back on again.

But you don’t just feel the bang when the lights go on, you also feel the flicker when you think your mind is asleep. It is in those moments your dreams come to life.

I had this dream last night. We were at a party. I fell asleep before the night began and woke up knowing I was missing out, I had to find him. I needed to find him.

He was far away and I couldn’t get a cab, or train, or bus or any mode of transport to where I needed to be.

I struggled and hurried through secret entrances and halls, I didn’t know where I was going, really. I just had to get there.

But something inside was telling me when I arrived the party would be over, that it had probably already ended.

I would never get there, because I woke up before I got the chance.

I am tired of broken dreams, of giving up and waking up before my happy ending.

Wake me up when the story ends, not when the blank ‘to be continued’ screen takes over a suspenseful plot.

Where does the happiness go when the nightmare takes over?

Once our eyes close does the frontal lobe put happiness into sleep mode?

I am tired of waking up and forgetting I am in pieces.

Those half-asleep moments right before you rise that put you in another place, another time.

Your mind is in harmony with your body, until you slowly trigger the memory part of your brain. Once you hit what you have for so long tried to avoid, you remember you are spread into puzzle pieces all through the bedsheets.

But this is a puzzle not even you could solve.

Your heart is broken into little pieces that somewhat resemble the picture you once saw on a box you threw away long ago.

I am tired of dreaming, and you filling my unconscious thoughts with endings I will never experience or see. All that is left to do is feel them and let my body ache in the early hours of the morning.

I am tired of going to sleep, because I don’t want to wake up.

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