“I wish that no one ever waited 4 hours to text you back when you know they’re holding their phone. It’s rude.
I wish no one ever messed with your head, and I wish no one ever gave you mixed signals.
I wish when you asked somebody “do you wanna be with me?” they never ever said, “I don’t know.” I wish they only ever told you yes or no because you deserve to know the truth.”
– Taylor Swift
“I don’t want to get hurt, because I don’t want to have to run away.”
That was the moment I completely and totally opened my heart up. For the first time in a long time I was surrounded by someone with so much light, he was my own personal firefly.
From the moment he called me into his light we had been dancing in flashes of illumination.
Being around someone with so much light, can often lead you blind.
He took a deep breath, while my heart skipped a beat and tried to process the venerable position it had been thrown into.
“Can I think about it?”
It sank in quickly and suddenly, but not deep enough to kill me. That tiny bit of uncertainty keeping me alive was what made me feel the agonising pain of the wound.
I wish a simple ‘no’ were enough to take away the pain.
It wouldn’t heal straight away, but it would over time.
But the uncertain, rippling effect of his unsure response kept me lurking in the shadows. Hoping it will one day be safe enough to crawl into his light again.
I lay there, bleeding. The love in my heart was pouring out of my body at a rate I could not control.
It was all gone. I didn’t know how to feel anymore.
Everything was shutting down, from my mind, to the feet that once had the strength to carry me away from this mess.
Think about it? What did he need to consider?
He wants to think about his feelings. Think about what is convenient for him.
Think about his life and if he wanted us to happen.
But not at any point in his thought process, would he be thinking of me. If he were, those words would not have slipped out of his lips, let alone entered his mind.
As I turned to face him in that moment, I realised my firefly was nothing but a tiny flame flying around the room, while I lay there without wings.
A tiny flicker I needed to blow out, before it set fire to anything else in its path of destruction.
What is worse than someone telling you they don’t like you, is someone not telling you and leaving you hanging. The cowards way out.
Why does it have to be his decision? Why do we leave our hearts in the hands of another?
It was you, you with your strength who so bravely spoke the words of your heart. You who revealed your vulnerabilities to a light that could switch off faster than it turned on. It is you who deserves a “yes” or “no” and not an “I don’t know” or “let me think about it”.
It was the flicker of a diming flame, that couldn’t work up the courage to simply say “I don’t feel the same way about you,” or summon the empathy to understand his uncertainty was only hurting you more.
It is you who should be proud of your heart. Be proud of the pain it endures. Be proud of the love you can feel and the light you can spread. Be proud of how well you can heal, even at the times you feel the bleeding will never stop. Be proud of the wings you will grow and the moment you learn to fly.
You can be surrounded by someone with so much light, and fall so in love with it. But when their light becomes a weak flame, they’ll be lost in the dark.
For those of us who emerge from their flickering flames, we learn to dance blissfully in the moonlight.
Song to complete the vibes: